New Year Reflections & swimming in the deep end.

So here I am. New year. New blog. The first post of the new year on the new blog. I don’t know about you but I get very reflective at this time of year. It brings up all sorts of emotions for me. I have spent today with a mix of feeling reflective & emotional along with a sense of gratitude for friends & sisters who understand me & listen whilst sharing their battles too, reminding me that the emotional part of us needs to be honoured just as much as the physical part of us. Well, that’s my belief anyway. Some of my friends are making resolutions today. One person triggered in me a reflection of how far I have come on my own tri journey. I decided to do a triathlon for my 40th birthday last October. I decided to do a triathlon with zero experience in biking running or swimming (I only owned a hybrid that I was afraid of actually cycling so it spent a lot of time in the shed) AND I was petrified of deep water. I mean petrified to the point of crying even at the thought of being in the deep end of the pool, let alone the thought of being in deep OPEN water. (I cry a lot….hence the blog name tribaby perfectly rhyming with cry baby). I remembered my battle with the swimming aspect of triathlon. As you can see from this pic whilst I look all sorts of hands-on-the-hips ready to swim in the river I’m nervously peering in to – I’m not ready at all. A picture can be very deceptive.

Youngest encouraging me and offering words of advice. Oh to be young and fearless 😊

My insides are churning and I’ve a lump in my throat with anxiety. My son standing behind me feeling very emotional at watching his normally strong mother feeling so weak & vulnerable asking his advice 😳At this point for the river swim (July ‘18) I couldn’t swim 500 meters continuously….As you can see in the pics from Feb 2018 when I started learning how to swim. Nearly ten minutes to swim 100 metres 🙊. As insane as that sounds that was a super achievement for me. Prior to that I wouldn’t even get in to the pool, making up excuses to a friend (who knew I was taking on this challenge & was going to teach me how to swim) saying it was too busy, when really I was too anxious and scared.

We started slow with the lessons. Trying to get over my fear of the deep end she held my hands as she gently guided me away from the wall. Tears streaming down my face trying to control & fight the panic attacks. It took over an hour for me to let go of the steps at the deep end. My tears causing her to well up too as I don’t think she expected me to be as distraught as I was. The sheer joy we experienced when I managed to tread water without holding on to her or the wall. What a sight we were to the children running and jumping in no fear at all😂😂

Like. Who in their right minds would even post a ten min/100m swim. 😂

Next up was my open water swim. I signed up for a 500 metre river swim in a town not too far away. To say I was nervous is definitely the understatement of the century. Whilst this may sound like a whole heap of drama over a teeny weeny tiny river swim, when you’re in the midst of anxiety and about to face your fears, it’s anything but drama. My anxiety was so high that I kept feeling faint whilst driving over there (I have been known to faint in my panic attacks) and hopping into a river to swim when you’re prone to fainting during panic isn’t exactly the best combo 😂

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  There in the blue hat being guided by the boats is lil old me. Panick swimming for my life 🙊

So I did it. I stopped a gazzillion times & begged to get out of the water but the patient saint of a lady in the boat encouraged me to keep going. My children were on the bank shouting encouragement to me. I’m beyond blessed with them. Any other kid would probably have ran away embarrassed (I know if it was me as a teenager and my Mother, rest her soul, was in the water flapping about and being as dramatic as I was that day I’d have pretended I was there to support someone else😂 sounds awful but I really think that’s what I would have done 😂) but they walked along guiding me and supporting me making sure I didn’t give up. As you can see I was the only person left in the water – everyone else was finished longggg before me, the best part of it being, while I was there swim panicking and drinking manky river water, some people WALKED past me 😂😂😂the sides of the river were so shallow in places you could actually walk. Of course that’s a secret so please don’t tell anyone 🤫 this video is so like me that day it’s uncanny😂

Next pic is yesterday’s swim, I went to clear my head a bit & what a difference in times. I wasn’t swimming for time yesterday, I was only swimming because I can’t run at the moment (injury) and to clear my head. Reflecting today that I have come to a point where I can get into the pool swim my 1,000 metres straight and get back out with no drama is huge. That with all the trials and tribulations that I’ve surmounted in the last year that I’ve come a long way. Also, that fear can be overcome if you want something bad enough. The biggest mountain that I had to climb was the fear itself. Finding ways to not listen to the negative mental chatter and to replace the “I can’t” with “I can”

I love the garmin badge I earned yesterday “finish strong” that even though I’m feeling blue and feeling anxious at the moment, it’s a reminder that I am still strong. It means, of course, doing an activity on the last day of the year – but for me it was rather symbolic. It takes a certain kind of strength to keep going and face the day whilst full of anxiety and it takes a certain kind of strength to tackle new challenges whilst still, full of anxiety. Know that if that sounds like you I’m sending you a huge high five for even getting through the day. I’m blessed with supportive people around me that know I suffer and that understand anxiety, because having those that understand is super important & helps me to stop living in my head & helps me to articulate it, giving it less power. Wishing you a wonderful new year and thanks for reading my musings, hopefully plenty more adventures to post about in the coming year😊

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